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Steinlarger’s Revolutionary New Beer

September 8, 2009

Note that this post is completely fictional – all companies, brands, products and people are completely fictional and should not be confused with real-life counterparts with similar names.

 
In a parallel Universe somewhere…

Following on from the successful launch of its Purer and Edgy beers, Steinlarger today announced the release of an innovative new beer called Pure H Squared Zero (H²0) – an additive-free, zero alcohol beer set to revolutionise the brewing industry. Steinlarger Brands Manager Jim Smith explains, “We wanted to combine the qualities of Purer with it’s reduced additives with our new mid-strength Edgy and came up with the concept of a beer containing no malt, hops or alcohol. Malt and hops can be good additions to beer but they’re not everything – some of our market research suggested some people find flavoured beer to be too rich for their palate. The German purity Law was a great start but it didn’t go far enough. One of our competitors has recently released a 33% better beer because it’s been brewed 33% longer – H²0 is brewed by an extremely natural process and is millions of years old so you can only imagine how much better it is”.

Another factor in the development of H²0 cited by Steinlarger is the increased production costs of advertising. “The Hollywood stars in our Purer ads may be washed up but they’re still not cheap, we also had to go to any country other than New Zealand to film a real nuclear warship. Going forward, we really want to focus on where we add the most value to our consumers – producing slick advertisements”.

On the other benefits of H²0 Smith enthuses, “With its reduced flavour profile, this is a really great session beer – you can get through a lot of these in a night and with no carbonation there’s none of that bloated feeling. The zero alcohol also makes it a great option for Business lunches – I had three yesterday and when I got back to the office, I didn’t stare blankly at my PC or make witty jokes at all. Being Carb and Gluten free are also great benefits for those on special diets – it’s such a great product, I can’t believe someone didn’t think of it sooner”.

Those with a tolerance for malt and hops can rest assured that their old Steinlarger favourites will still be available – “Sure, we’ll still be brewing the classic but we’ve redesigned the packaging to be so ugly that you wouldn’t be caught dead with it. Much cooler is H²0 in our funky 300ml slim-line cans – our market research indicates that customers feel at least 15 – 20% cooler when drinking from these modern cans. This summer crack one open, drop in a wedge of lime, crank the Fat Freddy’s Drop and you’ll be the life of the BBQ”.

The new beer is also winning favour from unexpected quarters. Self-confessed Neo-prohibitionist, finger-wagger Joan Wallace from the the Think of the Children Trust says, “though we generally regard Beer Barons as evil Puppet Masters and a curse upon our communities, Steinlarger are showing real leadership with this product. We await the day when all pleasure has been removed from the demon drink and H²0 is a great step in that direction”.

Sir Jeff Hand from the Lawyers for more Laws Commission is also supportive of the new beer – “This is the type of beverage that we are trying to encourage with our proposed new staggered excise tax. Under the proposal, those devious craft brewers pushing their 5% abv European style beers will end up paying the tax bill for responsible producers such as Steinlarger. 5% abv is half-way toward double-digits – where will it end?”

Inspiration from BeerMatt
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3 comments

  1. […] · Leave a Comment I’m flattered that he credited my post as being the inspiration for this clever parody, but I had to fully read his post and then go back to read my own before it clicked what the […]


    • Very, very good parody. I feel the same way. I wrote a column about Steinlager’s marketing too: http://www.salient.org.nz/columns/steinlager/
      Kindred spirits.


      • Hi Dave – I’ve read some of your previous columns but hadn’t read that one – it seems Steinlager is quite inspirational at the moment.

        I like your descriptions but must admit I quite enjoyed the Green Bullet hops in Classic when I was a student – though anything is a step up when you’re been drinking NZ Lager or Southern Draft in first year!



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